Worthy of Redemption Read online

  “But…” she said, and then bit her lip. She waited a few seconds and tried again. “But I like tending bar. I’m good at it.”

  “You are,” I agreed. “And I know about your plans to open your own establishment and I know that you wanted to buy SHOTZ from Emmy before it burned down, but working in those sleazy bars isn’t going to get you anywhere, Lily.”

  She let out an exasperated groan and spun in a slow circle.

  “Why do you care so much?” she asked. “You haven’t given a shit for two years, and you didn’t really seem to give a shit when I walked through the doors at Sterling.”

  “I did give a shit,” I said quietly.

  “You sure have a way of expressing it,” she said dryly.

  “I’m trying to prove that I give a shit now,” I snapped.

  “You abandoned me bleeding on a dark city street not even an hour ago!”

  “I didn’t abandon you. Believe it or not, I went to the next block to see if I would see the creep that cut you.”

  She looked at me skeptically before looking away at nothing in particular. She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand. I couldn’t help but to look at her voluptuous body since she didn’t close up her shirt.

  “So, you want me to quit my bar jobs – or job now – and move into your deluxe apartment in the sky,” she said. She pulled her shirt together when she caught me staring.

  “I will pay you to take care of my home and for whatever else I need that doesn’t fall under your current job title.”

  “Because you care,” she added sarcastically.

  “Yes,” I answered. “And I owe you.”

  She looked at me warily and then said “You still owe me sneakers.”

  “I will take you shoe shopping tomorrow,” I promised.

  “And now you owe me a shirt.”

  “I will replace your shirt,” I said, eying the little bit of flesh that wasn’t covered.

  “You will give me the shirt off of your own back,” she said haughtily. “Now.”

  I didn’t take my eyes off of her as I undid the cuffs on my shirt and started to unbutton it.

  “What if I wake up later and say I don’t want to move in or quit my other job?” she asked as her eyes fell on my chest.

  “You don’t have a choice. Do as I say or I will fire you.”

  Her eyes widened and her mouth opened so widely I saw her tongue ring glistening in the light.

  “That’s the deal, Lily,” I said as I pulled off my shirt. “Take it or leave it.”

  I handed her the shirt. She folded it over her arm and looked at me warily.

  “You’re mean,” she whispered.

  “But you love me that way,” I said. I turned away from her and left her alone in the room.

  Chapter Eight

  *~Lily~*

  It was nearly noon when I woke up from the best sleep I have had in months. It was going to be really hard to give up the ultra comfy bed and return to the lumpy couch at Anita's. I didn't really believe that Kyle would fire me if I didn't do as he wanted. It was a bluff and I was calling it.

  I reluctantly rolled out of bed as I considered what I was going to do about my current clothing situation. My jeans were probably salvageable, and I could put on one of Kyle's shirts, but it would have been nice to have some clean underwear.

  As I rounded the bed, I halted when I saw a neatly folded stack of clothes at the foot of the bed. There was a black shirt, a dark pair of jeans, and a matching bra and panty set. I blushed at the royal blue sheer undergarments and wondered if Kyle had personally selected the items.

  I checked the sizes of each thing, and sure enough he had the sizes right. I glanced back at the chair I had thrown my clothes on before going to bed. It was empty. He must have checked my sizes when he took the clothes, but I was still wearing my underwear and bra. I doubted that he had checked those sizes without me knowing. Either he had two lucky guesses or he was a really good stalker.

  I left the clothes on the bed and went to use the bathroom. Before I went to bed, there was only toilet paper and hand soap in the bathroom. Now there were big, fluffy towels, wash cloths, an unopened state of the art electric toothbrush, toothpaste, a comb, a brush, ponytail holders, a few hair clips, deodorant, bodywash, shampoo and conditoner, a fluffy robe and warm looking slippers.

  "Wow," I said as looked at all of the items spread out on the long vanity. "Someone had a productive morning."

  It's a shame he wasted his money for the one day I'm here.

  I meant to only take a quick shower, but the water was so perfect under the two shower heads, I couldn't make myself get out until I was all wrinkled. I wasn't going to let that perfect shower, the warm robe, and walk-on-air slippers stop me from confronting Kyle about his bluff. The fact that I actually looked attractive in the bra and panties wasn't going to stop me either.

  I marched out of the guest room (after admiring myself in the mirror for ten minutes) in search of Kyle. I found him a couple of minutes later on the first floor in the second living room, typing away on his laptop with ESPN on the large flatscreen. This room seemed to be the only room set up completely.

  "Hey," I said as I stopped just over the threshold.

  "Hi," he said as his eyes roved over me. "How are the clothes?"

  "They fit me perfectly. Thank you. Did you go out yourself or did you pay someone?"

  He raised an amused eyebrow. "I did it myself. Do you like my selection?"

  I knew my face must have turned a shade of pink. "Yes," I said and quickly pressed on. "Listen, I appreciate you stalking me, probably digging up all of my secrets, and looking after me, but I'm not staying here, and for now I will keep my bar tending job."

  "Fine. Keep the job - for now - but stay here. You will have a bed, not a couch, privacy, and it's an easier commute to work."

  I considered this for a moment while biting my bottom lip. Living with Kyle could have many unpleasant consequences. Working with the man who could simultaneously make me feel blinding anger and fill me with knee-weakening desire was hard enough. Living with him would either lead me to kill him or fall stupidly in love with him.

  "Lily," he said as he stood up. He walked over to me and traced a finger over the stars under my ear. "You're trying so hard to take care of yourself and to take care of your family. Let me help you.”

  “So you know about that,” I said quietly.

  “All of it,” he said, and his other hand gingerly touched the bracelets on my wrist.

  I pulled my hand away as if he had burned me and took a few steps back. “That is private!” I snapped. “You have no right to know that! What is wrong with you?”

  I stormed away from him, but he was right behind me.

  “Lily,” he said my name with exasperation. I had one foot on the stairs when he grabbed my arm, but I snatched it away and jogged up the stairs.

  “I didn’t dig into your life to learn the things I’ve learned about you,” I said angrily, knowing he was right behind me. “It was all dumped on me in one night, but I would never do what you’ve done!”

  “You work for me, I had to know who you are,” he argued. He stood in the doorway of the guestroom, watching me as I pulled on my sneakers.

  “All you needed to know was that I didn’t have a criminal background.”

  “Which you do,” he said pointedly.

  “I punched a guy for stealing from me.”

  “You punched him with a baseball bat,” he said in bewildered amusement.

  “You should consider that and hope you’re not next!”

  I shoved him out of the way and started back down the stairs.

  “Lily, you’re overreacting,” Kyle said once again on my heels.

  “I’m not reacting nearly as much as I should,” I snarled.

  When I got to the front door, I started to open it, but Kyle closed it from behind me like he had last night.

  “You need to calm down,” he said in my ear.

/>   “Kyle, I will hurt your balls and leave you on the floor without a second thought. Are you understanding me?”

  He pulled my damp hair away from my ear. “I told you last night, Lily. I’m the bigger badass. You don’t scare me. Now listen to me.”

  I struggled to push him off of me, but Kyle was much stronger than me. He grabbed my arms and pinned them behind my back and pressed me against the door.

  “Listen to me,” he growled in my ear. “Do you know how hard it is for me to do this? To reach out to you and want you to be here? Do you realize how hard it is for me to care about you? I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t give a shit what happens to you, but I do. So, do me a favor, Lily, and stop making this harder than it needs to be.”

  I almost couldn’t catch my breath. My injured hand throbbed painfully and my arms began to ache. My chest was twisting with anxiety, but my head was muddled. Kyle once again managed to leave me flaming mad and wanting to hold him at the same time. I needed to get away from him before I either broke his balls or kissed him.

  “Let me go,” I whispered. “Please.”

  Reluctantly, he released me. Wisely, he took a few steps back when I turned around.

  “I need some space,” I said as I tried to get my breathing under control. I reached behind me and pulled open the door. I didn’t have my jacket and I forgot my phone on the bed, but I didn’t care. Kyle stood stoically still as I slipped out the door.

  He didn’t follow me.

  *~~~*

  When I got off of the elevator, the concierge approached me.

  “Miss Whitman?” he asked pleasantly.

  “Yes?” I responded and looked at him warily. Did Kyle send him to carry me back upstairs?

  “Mr. Sterling has requested that you wait for a car to pick you up to drive you wherever you may need to go.”

  I had no money on me since it was stolen with my bag. I glanced out of the revolving door. The sky was darkening with swollen rain clouds and the flags at the top of the flagpoles whipped back and forth in the wind. Hugging myself, I looked at the concierge and nodded my approval.

  I sat down on a wing backed chair, waiting for the car to arrive. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go. I didn’t have anywhere to go really. My oldest friend lived in Ohio, and any friends I had made since moving to Philadelphia years ago mostly disappeared after my life fell to shit several years ago. The few that remained were good for hanging out for a dinner or a few drinks from time to time, but I couldn’t go to them with my deeply personal problems. I was pretty much alone almost all of the time and I had become accustom to that. Having Kyle of all people diving that deep into my life threw me off.

  “Ma’am,” the concierge said minutes later and gestured to the black Escalade with tinted windows outside at the curb. By the time we got outside, the driver was standing at the open back passenger door.

  “Ma’am,” he said as I slid in the backseat.

  He rushed around to the front and climbed inside.

  “Miss Whitman, my name is Corsey. Where would you like to go?”

  “Umm,” I sighed. “I’m not really sure. Can we just drive? Are you able to do that?”

  “I can drive wherever you want to, Miss Whitman. Would you like to stay local or would you like me to go over the bridge?”

  “Over the bridge is fine,” I said, settling back into my seat.

  “Is there any particular music you’re interested in for the ride?” Corsey asked as we pulled onto the main road.

  “Whatever you put on will be fine.”

  I looked down at my hands. The half dozen bracelets I wore on each arm drew my attention to scars hidden by the jewelry. I didn’t know how Kyle found out about them or how long he had known. It was a very, very personal part of my life that I liked to not only keep hidden from others, but from myself. When the bracelets did come off my wrists, I never looked at the scar tissue there. It was a reminder of all of my failures, my darkest moments, and my most grievous losses…

  Gavin and I were high school sweethearts when we moved to Philadelphia to attend college together. I took a job at a seedy bar in South Philly and Gavin took a part time position waiting tables. We had many ramen noodle dinners, freezing winter nights under threadbare blankets, and there were many roach and mice massacres in our tiny apartment, but we were happy.

  Though we were pretty careful, we weren’t careful enough and I became pregnant towards the end of our third year together. I cried about it for days, until Gavin finally convinced me that giving birth to his spawn wasn’t the worse thing in the world. My trepidation was replaced acceptance and my acceptance leaped into excitement. There were going to be many sacrifices, especially on my part. I was going to graduate late because the baby was due half way through my last year. Life was going to be rough for a little while, but Gavin was in the top twenty of our class and I had absolute confidence that he would find a good position in a firm soon after graduation. Even if he didn’t, we knew we loved each other and our baby so much that we would do whatever was necessary to be a safe and happy family.

  When I was only six months pregnant, I went into labor. By the time I understood what was happening and got to the hospital it was too late. I gave birth to a baby girl. We named her Anna. Two days after Anna came into this world, she died. I was beyond devastated. There are not enough words in any dictionary in the universe to describe the level of pain and suffering parents feel after they lose a child. We never even had the chance to get to know her.

  Gavin pressed on, focusing on school in order to bury his pain, but I didn’t press on. I stayed in bed for months, living under a heavy black cloud that was slowly crushing me. I felt like I had lost part of my soul. Only Gavin’s love and care kept me from disappearing into that darkness forever.

  As graduation for Gavin neared, I realized that I needed to be there for him. I wanted him to know I was happy and proud of him, especially since he landed a job a month before graduation. I tried very hard to just live through my pain and make the best of our time together. The new position was back in Ohio and I still had to complete my last semester. I wasn’t thrilled about heading back to Ohio, but at least we would be in Cleveland and still enjoy city life.

  Gradually I came back to life and Gavin moved back to Ohio. We talked a few times a day and alternated visits between Philly and Cleveland once or twice a month. My younger sister Lydia was also in Cleveland at that time, going to college there. Sometimes Gavin brought her with him when he visited, and I was glad to know that they had each other’s friendship there in Ohio in my absence.

  As the anniversary of Anna’s death drew near, I felt myself sliding back into that dark haze. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pull out of it on my own, so I decided to fly to Cleveland for a few days. Gavin would make me feel better. Gavin would keep the darkness from swallowing me entirely. I didn’t tell him I was coming home. I decided it quickly and was on the next available flight out. I figured I’d surprise him and the pleasant surprise would be good for both of us. The surprise wasn’t just in my arrival, however. It was also in what I found waiting for me in the apartment that was supposed to be ours.

  It was around six-thirty when the cab dropped me off in front of the apartment building. As I climbed the steps to the second floor unit, I heard Lydia’s and Gavin’s voices from inside. I couldn’t hear what they were saying and I didn’t even find it suspicious. I was glad she was there with him so close to the anniversary of our daughter’s death. I got to the top of the stairs. The pair was in the kitchen, and from the smells wafting out of the apartment, they were cooking together. Interesting, but not suspicious. I had just put my hand on the door to open it when Lydia wrapped her arms around Gavin’s neck and the two kissed, deeply, and passionately. It didn’t seem like it was the first time.

  I inhaled sharply. Lydia must have heard me because she pulled away and looked right at me. Her mouth fell open in surprise, forcing Gavin to look, too. The rest of the details are
gritty. I had screamed and cried and shouted hateful things at both of them. Gavin tried to hold me and comfort me, but there was no comfort to be had. I was completely shattered inside. My pain was just as deep as it was the day Anna had died, except now there was no one to save me.

  I tried to take my life in that same hour that I discovered them. I had locked myself in the bathroom with a large kitchen knife. The pain was excruciating, but it didn’t compare to my emotional pain. Gavin eventually broke the door down to get to me. I died twice that day, and though I physically recovered, a large part of me was still dead.

  The last time I saw Gavin was the day before my release from the psych facility I ended up in for forty-five days. I had requested a very strict visitor’s list, only allowing my mother to visit me, blocking out Lydia and Gavin. I allowed Gavin to come in on the last day, though. He sobbed through his apologies. He and Lydia were going to tell me. They didn’t mean to hurt me. They both loved me very much. He was so scared to find me bleeding on the bathroom floor. I cried while listening to him, but I didn’t speak until his visiting hour was almost over.

  “I hope that whenever you die, it’s slow and painful. Then you will know how I feel.”

  Gavin married Lydia six months later, two months before their first child was born. They had two more children over the course of six years. He and Lydia sent me holiday cards every now and then, which I promptly threw away, but I didn’t speak to either one of them again after I left Ohio seven years ago. On their seventh wedding anniversary, on their way home from dinner, Gavin and Lydia were in a terrible car accident. Gavin died a week later. Lydia’s injuries were so extreme, she will never be able live a pain-free life or walk without assistance again.

  I was devastated by Gavin’s death, even though I had not spoken to him since that last day in the hospital. I felt like his week of suffering was a direct result of the last words I had ever said to him. The guilt weighed me down, threatened to pull me back into the abyss, but it was what he left behind that made me pull myself together.