Accidentally on Purpose Read online

  I told the doctors I fell. I don't think they believed me, but they couldn't do anything about it if I didn't tell the truth. I realized this was part of a cycle of abuse, which scared the hell out of me. Was Kyle going to hurt me again, and if so, would I cover for him again?

  In the time I've been with him, he's gotten a little rough during arguments, but for my part, so have I, but was this just the beginning? Would it escalate?

  When I returned to the hotel, Kyle was tearfully apologizing the second he saw the cast on my wrist.

  "I didn't mean it," he insisted, and I believed him.

  "I know," I said quietly. I let him hold me for a minute and even kissed him back when he put his lips on mine.

  Love, I decided on the plane ride home, can make people crazy. Love can make us do things we never meant to do. Kyle wasn't trying to hurt me when he broke my wrist. I wasn't trying to hurt Luke when he was around, and surely I never meant to find myself in this position in the first place. It happened accidentally on purpose - my heart accidentally started loving two men, but I purposely (and stupidly) acted on it instead of walking away from one of them.

  Love can also borderline obsession and lunacy. Kyle was obsessed with me even though he had no right to be, and I was crazy to stay with him, even though I had no right to do so. The whole situation was craziness, and Leo was right. As long as I allowed things to proceed this way, the circumstances would remain the same.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Fall pressed on, as did my scandalous, dysfunctional relationship with Kyle. As I predicted, our busy season turned into the busiest ever, but I was able to hire two assistants and three temps, greatly reducing the stress and turmoil that would have been. This was especially helpful due to the fact that I was in a cast for five weeks.

  More and more of Kyle's time was being sucked up by the succubus Jess. Where I used to be patient and not complain (much), my patience was now as thin as thread.

  "What time do you think you will be over next Thursday?" I asked Kyle in the elevator one night after work. It was a week before Thanksgiving and I had a grand meal planned for us.

  "Uh..." He said with a guilty look on his face. "I thought you were going to go visit your family in Louisiana."

  "I never said that," I was sure that I not only didn't say it, but never even implied it.

  "I'm sorry. I just assumed..."

  The elevator doors slid open on the ground floor. I waited until we were outside, beyond earshot of the security guards before speaking again.

  "So, you made an assumption and then made other plans with Jess," I said, making an assumption of my own.

  "I honestly believed you were going down south."

  I took a deep breath, trying not to go ballistic. "So, fit me into your day somewhere. Maybe you can come over at the end of the night?"

  He winced, and I knew he wasn't going to be able to fit me in.

  "I'm leaving Wednesday afternoon for Fiji."

  "Fiji." I gaped at him. "With Jess."

  "I'm sorry, sweetie," he reached for me, but I took a step back.

  "That's why you asked me to keep your schedule open Wednesday," I said accusingly. "If I didn't ask, would you have told me about Fiji?"

  "I guess so," he shrugged. "It's not that big of a deal. It doesn't mean anything. It was her idea..." He stopped talking, probably realizing how ridiculous he sounded.

  "Yeah, okay," I said, taking another step back. "You enjoy your fucking trip to Fiji." I was supposed to be walking with Kyle to his car in the garage, but I turned in the opposite direction and stepped to the curb to hail a cab.

  "Em, wait," he rushed over as a cab pulled up.

  "Stop telling me to wait!" I yelled and stomped my foot, halting him. I opened the door, and before climbing in I said "Don't talk to me. Don't call me, don't text me, don't come over."

  "Throwing a fucking temper tantrum isn't helping anything," he snapped. "You make this harder than it has to be."

  I wanted to punch him, but instead I slammed the cab door and didn't even turn to look at him when we pulled away and zoomed down the street.

  ***

  "You look like hell," my mom said a couple of days later. After my last falling out with Kyle, I decided to take a vacation, beginning immediately.

  I had let myself into his office in the middle of the morning, wearing jeans and a tee shirt instead of my usual business attire.

  "We're still in the busy season," he had argued.

  "I don't really care," I shrugged. "You can either sign off on it or fire me."

  "You're over reacting."

  "I'm under reacting, trust me. Are you going to sign it or not?"

  "No. We're too busy, and today is not a casual day, so I suggest you go find something work-appropriate to wear." He went back to his work, dismissing me.

  I left his office, slamming the door behind me. Everyone looked up at me. I forced a smile and strolled out of the office. When I didn't return that day, Kyle sent me a text.

  I signed off on your vacation, brat.

  The next morning, I was standing in front of the family home in Louisiana, facing my mother, already ready to tape her mouth shut.

  She stood on the porch, in a powder blue dress, wearing an apron and drying her hands on a dish towel. She looked as beautiful as ever, which made me a little sick.

  "Do you think you can prescribe me some valium?" I asked my brother-in-law, Eric, a successful ob-gyn in a nearby town. He was the one who fetched me from the airport.

  "If I have to deal with her drug-free, so do you." He carried my bags into the house.

  "Come up here and give your mother a hug, girl."

  Several children appeared out of nowhere, screaming and laughing. They were playing some kind of get away game, oblivious to the fact that I was there, running around me, bumping into me and yelling close to my ear.

  "Hey!" Mom pointed at them with the dish towel. "Don't you kids see your Aunt Em trying to get into the damn house? Get the hell out of the way."

  The kids took off across the yard, several yelling "get the hell out of the way!"

  I didn't pay attention to whose kids they were. My family is enormous. I am one of five children, I have fourteen nieces and nephews with one on the way, and some of my nieces and nephews have children. Then there were my mother's siblings and their kids and grandkids and great grandkids, and various friends and their families that were adopted into our family, like my brother in-law Eric. His family and my family go way back. Way, way back.

  My mom and his mom were best friends growing up, despite what people thought about a white woman befriending a black woman. My oldest sister Lucille and Eric were born only a few days apart, started dating in their senior year in high school and married a year later. His family and extended family became our family, and Lucy and Eric made a family of their own. And then there's Tabitha and Mayson's families from my dad's side.

  "Mom, stop cursing at the children," I said as I climbed the steps. I hugged her and planted a kiss on her cheek.

  "I missed you, honey," she smiled, and held me at arm's length so she could check me out. "You put on a little weight, didn't ya."

  Actually, I had, and I didn't understand how or why. I was definitely thicker in the waist, but I didn't need my mom calling me out on it.

  "What is that on your wrist?" My sister, Charlotte demanded as she stepped outside.

  I mentally punched myself in the face for not taking off the bracelet Kyle gave me. I couldn't tell them he gave it to me and why. I'm sure they wouldn't believe the "I fell down" story. I'm not even sure Mayson believed it, but I didn't have a good lie ready and both Charlotte and my mom were staring me down, waiting for an answer.

  "Kyle gave it to me," I sighed. Now my eldest sister Lucy and my two brothers Charlie and Emmet joined us on the porch. They all stared at me as if I had lost my mind, and of course, it was possible.

  "What on earth for?" Charlotte asked, sounding a lot like
my mom, but my mom met my eyes and I already knew I was caught lying before I started. But if she wasn't going to say anything now, I may as well charge forward.

  "I work my ass off, like really work my ass off." I said, which was true, but not true to the question asked.

  "Didn't you say he was a dick?" Lucy asked, confused.

  "Well, I guess he was making up for that, too." I shrugged.

  Lucy held up my arm, turning it back and forth, causing the bracelet to sparkle in the sunlight.

  "Are those real diamonds? This thing must be worth thousands."

  "Oh, for heaven's sake!" Mom snapped. "Can your sister get the hell in the house sometime this year?" She pushed Lucy out of the way and opened the door for me.

  "Thanks," I said to her and stepped inside to greet more family.

  I made a mental note to take off the bracelet, and soon.

  I had a long day, traveling and then reacquainting myself with my family, meeting new babies and spouses and boyfriends and girlfriends. Eric's mom, Allie Mae and my mom made the best dinner I've had since my last visit, well over a year ago. Even when I was past stuffed, I kept nibbling. By the time I waddled to my bedroom, I was sleepy beyond all that was reasonable, but I've been that way for a couple of months. I was probably burning out.

  I lay in bed looking at the bracelet on my wrist, thinking about the night I got it.

  I have something for you," Kyle had said the night the cast came off.

  We were at The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. It was the first night in weeks that we were able to go out for more than a fast food run or diner food. Work had been hectic and Jess had demanded more of his time.

  Half way through dinner he slid a small black, velvet box across the table. The box was a little too big to contain a ring, but for about six seconds my hopes were up, and then I remembered the impossibility of such a thing happening anytime in the near future.

  "What is it?" I asked, my hand on the box.

  "Open it and see," he grinned.

  Carefully, I picked it up and opened it. Inside, sat a bracelet of leaves in yellow gold, white gold, and rose gold. On each of the yellow and rose leaves were at least a dozen and a half diamonds (I later looked up the price of the bracelet - it was more than my annual salary).

  "Kyle, this is so beautiful," I breathed.

  "I want you to know," he said, putting the bracelet on my now healed wrist. "That I will never hurt you again."

  I stared at my wrist. I should have been like "aww" but I didn't feel mushy like that. I knew he meant to make up for what he had done, that this was an apology, but that's not how I took it.

  "What's wrong?" He asked, reading my face.

  "Every time I look at this, I'm going to be reminded that you broke my wrist." I didn't mean to say it, but the words fell out of my mouth anyway.

  We sat there, staring at the jewelry on my wrist, the moment ruined.

  Chapter Thirty

  "Wake up, sleepy head," my mom sang, waking me up from a solid sleep.

  I peeked out from under my quilt. She was opening the curtains, letting sunshine in.

  "I'm on vacation," I grumbled. "Let me sleep."

  "It's nearly noon. Get up and make yourself useful."

  "Sometimes I really dislike you."

  "I can say the same about you," she chuckled. "Get up, take a shower. I have a list for you."

  It took me some time, but I was able to drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I had been in Louisiana for five days now, sleeping in daily, relaxing more than I have in over a year. I haven't done an ounce of work for Sterling Corp, even though I brought my laptop in case I felt the need to do something. I should have felt well rested, but I still felt run down, and for three nights straight, I couldn't sleep due to a series of anxious flutters in my belly. I didn't realize I was anxious about anything, but I suppose the body acts in mysterious ways sometimes.

  Surely, it wasn't my lack of communication with Kyle. I spoke to him once a day, and since I was still angry, that was all I needed.

  After I was showered and dressed, I got my orders from my parents, snagged a few teenagers for help and took off in my mom's car. The days leading up to Thanksgiving were always very busy. It was the biggest holiday for my family. Not only was the entire, enormous family present, but so were co-workers, neighbors, friends, and a large group of people who couldn't afford a dinner of their own.

  The event was held outside on the extensive grounds surrounding my parent's home (which was really a mansion.) There were countless tables and chairs, and even blankets spread out on the ground. Turkeys were roasted, smoked, and deep fried. Most years there was a whole pig roasted, sometimes two. There were yams and potatoes, various greens and beans, potato salads, pasta salads, and macaroni and cheese. Cranberry sauce, dressing, and various breads. The dessert list was even bigger.

  All of this took days to prep and everyone had to help, including my burned out self. Even with the kids' help, I was dragging. Before Eric left for the night, I stopped him and pulled him aside.

  "I've been feeling totally run down lately," I explained quietly. My family was so nosey, I didn't want to share my personal issues with anyone else. I told him everything I'd been experiencing and asked him if he could just check me out, maybe order some blood work.

  "Friday morning, come to my office early, like around seven-thirty. We'll start with some basic stuff. It's probably nothing." He gave me a reassuring smile and I felt a little better.

  Somehow I made it to and through Thanksgiving, tired as hell, but well fed. I almost slept through my alarm Friday morning, but the urge to pee was so strong I wasn't sure I was going to make it.

  When I got to Eric's office, a receptionist had me fill out paperwork for my chart. When I offered my insurance cards, she waved them away, stating that Eric said not to charge me, which was ridiculous because I could more than afford it.

  I sat down in the waiting room. Only one other person was there, a very pregnant woman in a sundress and flip flops. Her eyes surreptitiously fell on me a few times before she finally said something.

  "Is this your first baby?"

  "What?" I stared at her, confused.

  "How far are you?"

  "How far?" I turned my head like a confused puppy and then it dawned on me. "Oh! I'm not pregnant," I laughed. "Doctor Jonson is my brother-in-law."

  "Oh," her eyes fell on my belly fat. "I am so sorry for assuming..."

  The nurse appeared in the doorway and called me back. I gave the pregnant woman a small smile and hurried after the nurse. She did my vitals, asked me some questions, and then left me alone in the examination room to wait for Eric.

  I hated going to the regular doctor, but especially hated the gynecologist. Even though I knew Eric wasn't going near that area, just the sight of the stirrups and anatomically correct pictures on the wall was enough to unnerve me. By the time Eric came in, I was ready to run.

  "Okay, Emmy," he sat down on a stool across from me and asked me to repeat my symptoms. He asked me about work and if I had anything, besides my mother, in my personal life that could be a stressor.

  I wasn't sure how to answer. My relationship with Kyle was always a point of stress for me, but I couldn't tell Eric that, could I?

  "Am I protected under doctor patient confidentiality?" I asked.

  "Absolutely. Anything you say to me may go in your chart, but I can't go tell Sam or Lucy or anyone else."

  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath.

  "I've been having an affair with my boss,"

  "The dick?"

  "Yeah, that's the one. It's been going on for almost a year I guess. He's had a serious girlfriend the entire time. My relationship with Luke ended because of my relationship with Kyle. Would you say those are stressors?"

  He ran a hand over his head, speechless for a moment. "I would say so," he answered finally.

  "So the flutters could be anxiety and stress,"

  "Possibly. We'
ll run a few tests to rule out other things," he stood up and took out a cup wrapped in plastic.

  "You want me to pee in the cup."

  "Yes, please, if you can."

  "Ew, you're going to see my pee," I laughed and took the cup from him.

  As it turned out, I had no trouble peeing. I returned minutes later and placed the cup on the counter. His nurse had returned.

  "I will be back in a little while," Eric said and left me alone with the nurse, who had nothing to say.

  She hummed at the counter while testing my urine, for what, I didn't know. When she left, she took the tests with her. Eric didn't return for another twenty minutes.

  "Sorry, Em." He flipped open my chart. "Em, when did you say your last period was?"

  "I don't know. A few months ago." I answered, growing nervous.

  "Is that normal for you? To skip months at a time?"

  "Since I was a kid, yeah. Why?"

  "Are you on any kind of birth control?"

  "When I remember, I take the pill. Why?" I asked again.

  "Your pregnancy test -"

  "Whoa!" I held up my hands. "You gave me a pregnancy test?"

  "Yes, and it came back positive."

  Chapter Thirty-One

  It was late afternoon when I pulled up in front of the family house. I sat in the car a moment, counting. Again. I forced myself out of the car, numbers flying through my head, and by the time I plopped down on a chair on the expansive porch, I had reached the same dates I had reached the forty other times I counted that day. The door opened, and my mom stepped outside, the scents of a home cooked meal wafting out behind her.

  “Where have you been? Eric said you left his office around ten.”

  In response, my arm extended towards her, and my hand reluctantly and painfully unclutched the paper I was holding. I heard a sharp intake of breath as she took in what she was holding. I couldn’t look at her, I could only look straight ahead at the yard, at the weeping willows swaying in the warm breeze. She sat down beside me, held my hand, and touched my face.