Accidentally on Purpose Read online

  The other sister, Lorraine, had six kids of her own. Lorraine was pretty, but looked a little frazzled. I guess with six kids, anyone would look frazzled. We had visited her first but didn't stay long. Four of the kids were sick and she was very busy. Besides, I definitely didn't want any kiddy sicknesses.

  Despite the health issues and other typical family drama, Luke's family was great. They were close and kind to one another, and even if they did fight they made up quickly. His dad was a little boisterous, but made me laugh, and he really appreciated and loved his only son. His mom wasn't anything like my mom. She was meek and treated her children with dignity and they treated her the same way. It made me sad to not have a very close relationship with my own siblings and to not have a mother who didn't think so lowly of me.

  We didn't spend our entire time with his family. Luke took me out to museums and bars and to meet his friends. I had a much better time than I ever expected. More importantly, I fit in well with his life in Chicago. I felt at home immediately and I was sad to leave, especially Lena who I connected with more than anyone.

  As much as I knew I fit in with Luke and his life, on the flight home I couldn't stop thinking of Kyle. Throughout the week I had a gnawing ache for him, but the ache only intensified the closer we got to home. I had not spoken to him since the night before I left. We met in a Wal-Mart parking lot that was the half-way point between our homes. We stood a few feet apart, both of us feeling uneasy.

  "Are you all packed?" He had asked, hands jammed into his pockets.

  "Yeah. I never go anywhere anymore so it took me some time to get it right - at least I hope it's right."

  He nodded and stared at the ground between us. I shifted from one foot to the other. I was still on edge after everything that had happened that week.

  "Do you have to go?" He asked.

  "I want to go, Kyle. You shouldn't make me feel guilty for it. That's really not fair."

  "I'm sorry," he said.

  "Maybe we should..." I bit my lip and looked at the customers going in and out of the behemoth store, oblivious to us and our problems. I wished I was oblivious.

  "Maybe we should what?" He pushed. "What?"

  "Maybe we should stop this." I said quietly, and it hurt to say it.

  "Is that what you want?"

  "What I want is apparently irrelevant, but maybe this is best."

  We were quiet for a long time. Finally, he said "I don't want to make any decisions right now. I want you to go to Chicago and have a good time."

  I looked at him with suspicion, but he said it again. "I won't bother you while you're there and you don't have to feel obligated to contact me."

  After more discussion, I agreed. He kissed and held me a long time that night.

  ***

  As soon as I got home from Chicago I texted Kyle. After a brief exchange of texts, I took a quick shower and drove to his apartment. He was waiting for me when I got into the lobby. At first I thought he was just that excited to see me, but the look on his face wasn't that of excitement.

  "What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

  "Jess. She just showed up minutes ago. She was supposed to be in the Hamptons."

  "Okay," I said and started to leave.

  "Wait. I can get rid of her I think or tell her I need to go to the office."

  I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I'm really not in the mood for this tonight. I'm going home. I'll just see you at work on Monday."

  "Em, wait." He grabbed my arm. "What about tomorrow?"

  "I think I'm going to stay in and hang with my dad tomorrow." That wasn't my original plan, but I suddenly didn't feel much like talking to any other man. "Besides, what's another day?"

  "But I really miss you. I really want to see you."

  "Not enough," I said softly and left him standing there.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I dialed Luke's number and counted off the rings. It went to voicemail after the fourth ring, like it did the other six times I called.

  "How many times are you going to call him?" Kyle asked, irritated.

  "Until he answers," I said, ignoring his attitude. I chewed on my lower lip, worried.

  I was in California with Kyle for three days. Truly, it was mostly business, but at the end of the working day, it was just us. No work, no Jess, and no Luke, but Luke wasn't answering my phone calls. My departure from his house the night before my trip did not go well.

  "I don't understand why you need to go," he had argued when he found out about the business trip.

  "It's part of my job. Sometimes I have to travel with my boss. It's not the first time."

  Before I ever had eyes for Kyle, I went away with him twice. It was hell and I stayed as far away from him as my work would let me. This time it would be different, but Luke didn't need to know that.

  "Why can't he take Eliza?"

  "Eliza isn't qualified," I said absent mindedly. I was working at the kitchen table.

  "How qualified do you have to be to look pretty and follow your boss around like a servant for three days?"

  I looked up at him. "It's not like that."

  "It is exactly like that. You're there specifically to wait on him hand and foot. It looks good to the clients, except in your case it's an incentive that you're good looking."

  "I actually happen to know a lot about the business and about the clients," I argued. "You make it seem like I'm just a dumb bimbo."

  "No one is going to ask or care for your opinions."

  I stared at him. He was being such a dick.

  "You're being such a dick," I said out loud.

  "You don't have to go."

  "I do have to go, Luke," I sighed, rolling my eyes.

  "Lawyer, remember?" He pointed to himself. "It's not in your job description to go anywhere with Kyle."

  "Okay, so you being an attorney makes you smarter than me?"

  "I didn't say that. I am just very knowledgeable of the employment contracts in the company."

  "So, what? You want me to tell Kyle I can't go?"

  "Yes."

  "You're on crack."

  "I tolerate all of the time you spend with him here, but going away with him is unacceptable."

  "All of what time?"

  He gave me a knowing look, and when I looked at him with a blank expression, he growled.

  "You 'work late' with him at least twice a week, and you two go drinking at the bar often."

  "Would you like to go drinking with us at the bar, Luke?"

  "I don't want to hang out with that dickhead."

  "Then you want me to stop hanging out with the dickhead."

  "Actually, yeah."

  I stared at him with my mouth slightly open. When all we could do is glare at each other, I saved my work and started packing up my laptop.

  "What are you doing?" He asked.

  "I can't work here. I need quiet, and since it's impossible for you to shut the hell up, I guess I need to leave."

  He followed me through his tiny house as I collected some of my things.

  "Where are you going to go? To Kyle's?" He asked tauntingly.

  "What is wrong with you?" I demanded after several more similar comments.

  "If you were half as smart as you say you are, you'd have that figured out already." He picked up his keys and started out the door. "Lock up my house when you go."

  The door slammed behind him and I stood there for a few seconds, shocked and anxious. By the time I had enough sense to go after him, he was gone.

  I gave Luke the rest of the night to cool off, but after all business was conducted for the day, I called him three times, and three more times on the second day. I never got an answer or a call back. He answered my text messages, but they were short and cold.

  My mood was not at all cheery. I couldn't enjoy the fact that I was in L.A or my alone time with Kyle, and Kyle was losing his patience with my unhappy attitude. We ended up fighting for almost the entire trip. The flight home was silent be
tween us. When we landed, we went our separate ways with few words. Now both of my boyfriends were mad at me, and what was worse was that I had to go home to my mother.

  Ugh.

  When I stepped outside of my terminal to hail a cab, I saw a familiar face on the sidewalk approaching me.

  "I thought you could use a ride home, if your boss doesn't mind."

  "My boss left already," I said.

  His eyes narrowed and he took a deep breath to try to shake away some of his anger.

  "What a standup guy," he muttered and took my bag from me.

  "Wait," I said, stopping him. "I'm not going anywhere with you if you're going to be all growly and mad. I'd rather risk my life with a crazy cab driver."

  Luke sighed and looked like he was really trying to find a way to calm down.

  "I will be...cordial."

  "Cordial? Really..."

  I really had no right to give him a difficult time. This was ultimately all of my fault, and his anger was just one of many results of my dumb actions, but that didn't mean I had to sit in a car with him for a half hour if he was just going to treat me like dirt.

  "I'm really trying here," he said a little less harshly.

  I sighed and relented. He was a little less angry when we arrived at his house and he threw me on the bed and gave me an angry screwing, relieving much of his tension.

  I hit the shower afterward, much needed after a day of travel and then angry sex. When I came out of the shower, my stomach dropped. Luke was holding some lacey undergarments that had been packed away in my bag.

  "What did you need these for?" He asked darkly, clutching a pair of red, lacey underwear and a matching bra.

  "To wear," I said it as if it were obvious, but they were items a girl definitely wears to get laid, not items a girl wears for a long day of work.

  "For whom?"

  "For myself," I said as casually as possible and rooted through a drawer for some clothes.

  "Doesn't seem like something you wear unless you're trying to impress someone."

  "Am I not allowed to feel pretty under my work clothes?"

  He sighed and dropped them back in the bag.

  "Is there anything...you think I should know?"

  Here was my opportunity to come out with it all, to tell the truth and spare the grief that will surely come from waiting too damn long to tell him I've betrayed him. Pain was inevitable, but this was my chance to somewhat lessen the blow.

  I opened my mouth to speak...and chickened out.

  "Just know that I missed you," I said, wrapping my arms around him. "And know that I love you and I don't ever want to be without you."

  Reluctantly, he held me, and then less reluctantly, he threw me on the bed again for round two.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Before my trip to California, Luke and I had minor disagreements and a couple of heated arguments over things I can't even remember now, but life always reset itself and it was never long before the argument was left in the past, forgotten. After my trip to California, nothing was ever the same again.

  Arguments disrupted peaceful Sunday afternoons. Silence replaced conversation during meals. Kisses goodbye fell away to slammed doors and abruptly ended phone calls. It was breaking my heart, but then again, I could only point the finger at myself.

  A stronger, less selfish woman would have been forthright. She would have told Kyle to fuck off, admitted her transgressions to Luke and begged his forgiveness. A stronger woman would not have found herself in this situation to begin with. I was weak and selfish. Getting rid of Kyle was like going into detox. Letting go of Luke was like kicking a puppy. Maybe drowning a puppy.

  I was in an endless, sick cycle. I was unable and unwilling to make important decisions, allowing myself to be stretched thin between the two men. I didn't need a soothsayer to tell me this was not going to end well for me.

  Sometimes I would sit alone in my bedroom, mentally beating the shit out of myself. I entered into my current state with no thought about how I would exit. At times, I foolishly believed that either Luke or Kyle would give up with ease, wish me well, and move on with their heart intact. Sometimes I imagined that I would choose one of them, but we would all become good friends. So many happy endings in my idiot head.

  Summer floated on in slow motion. Not much changed between Kyle and me; meanwhile I felt Luke drifting further and further away from me. He still kissed me with everything he had. He still tried to treat me with honor and respect, and he still told me he loved me, and I believed it. But I could feel him slipping anyway.

  I woke up one morning and knew that I had to tell Luke the truth, even if it meant losing him. Everyone always deserves the honesty of the people they love.

  Luke was out of town for work that day, and he didn't expect to be back until late in the evening. I wasn't going to tell him over the phone or through text messages. Lame. I wanted to tell him face to face. I was supposed to go away with Donya for the weekend. Jerry had a double header in Florida, but she called me a few hours before our flight.

  "Yeah, I'm not going," she said casually.

  "What? Why? I'm all packed!"

  "We had a fight. He doesn't deserve my support. He can roast down there with his teammates."

  "Wow. Harsh."

  "He'll be fine."

  "What about the tickets? There's no way you're getting your money back."

  "Eh. There's more money in the bank."

  "That's so wasteful," I sighed. "At least have the decency to give the tickets to someone less fortunate."

  "Hmm. My cousin Kera is less fortunate."

  "D, butt ugliness does not count for less fortunate."

  "Do you want me to give away the tickets or not!" She snapped.

  "Yeah okay, sheesh. Give them to Kera."

  "You wanna do something else? Maybe Vegas? We haven't done Vegas in a while."

  "No. I'm actually glad you canceled. I want to come clean with Luke. He's not home now, but I figured I'd go over there and make him a nice dinner."

  "Do you think a nice dinner is going to cover your ass, Emmy?" Donya asked. "Seriously?"

  "No, but I hope it helps."

  "And what about the other one?"

  "What about him?"

  "What happens after you come clean to Luke? What if Luke says to dump the dick or he rolls?"

  "Then I dump the dick," I shrugged.

  "You love the dick," she said doubtfully.

  "I love Luke."

  "I feel you're in for some shit."

  "Maybe so."

  "Well...good luck with your shit."

  "Thanks."

  Donya had no idea how right she was. I was in for some shit.

  The first thing I noted when I got to Luke's was that his car was in the driveway. I thought it was strange, but then I assumed he caught a ride with a coworker or took the train or something. The second thing I noticed was the rental car parked on the street in front of house. Curious, yes, but not suspicious. There were a lot of houses on the street, and sometimes parking was tight.

  I started up the sidewalk to the front door, but realized I had mud on my sneakers. It had been raining a little earlier and I had stepped right into a puddle of mud when I went into my back yard to talk to my dad before leaving. I turned around and walked around the house. The plan was to leave my sneakers on the back steps and wash them down with the hose later.

  After kicking my sneaks off, I used my key to let myself in the back door. The television was on, I could hear it. Okay, no big deal. It deters would-be robbers. However, the low girly giggle and the chuckle that was unmistakably Luke's was not on the television!

  Thanks to my socks, I moved quietly through the kitchen without being heard. What I found in the living room on the couch was Luke and a blonde haired woman about my age. They were sitting very, very close. Too close.

  "Hello." I said, making both of them look up in surprise.

  Luke quickly got to his feet.

>   "Babe, I thought you would be on your way to Florida by now."

  "Yeah and I thought you were in D.C."

  "The meeting was postponed late last night."

  "Why didn't you tell me?" My eyes flickered to the woman. Her hair was ugly.

  "I didn't want you to change your plans for me. You don't spend a lot of time with D."

  I raised an eyebrow and again looked at the hoe on the couch. She looked nervous.

  "This is Claire," Luke waved her over. "She's one of my Chicago friends. Claire this is Emmy."

  I shook her hand, but couldn't match her smile.

  "I thought I met all of your Chicago friends," I said to Luke.

  "Not all of them."

  "I'm out here with some friends," Claire explained. "Doing the Jersey shore thing. It was dumb luck that Luke became free while we're here."

  "Ohhhh," I said, not really sure what to say.

  "Where's your shoes?" Luke asked, looking at my feet.

  "So...can I talk to you in the bedroom?" I walked away before he could answer.

  "Where are your shoes?" Luke asked me again, closing the door behind him.

  "What's going on here?" I asked, crossing my arms.

  "Claire is visiting the Jersey shore from Chicago."

  "This isn't the shore!"

  "No, it's not. When my schedule opened up, I asked her if she wanted to catch up."

  "So you're catching up on your couch? Two inches apart?"

  Luke crossed his arms and his eyes darkened.

  "What is it you want to know, Emmy?"

  "I want to know what the hell is going on between you and Claire!"

  "Is that what you want to know?"

  "Yes!"

  "No big deal right? Just a straight answer?" He was patronizing me, but I was too blind with anger to see where it was going.

  "Right," I said, standing my ground.

  "Okay. I will tell you what's going on between me and Claire."

  "Okay!"

  "Right after you tell me what's going on between you and Kyle."

  Well...I wanted to come clean. Here's my chance. Maybe not this way, though.